Grieving at Christmas: What the Bible Says When the Season Hurts

Somewhere in Kuala Lumpur this December, someone will be setting the table for Christmas lunch and stop halfway, holding one plate too many. If you’re grieving at Christmas, you probably know that moment already. The carols are playing in the mall, the office is planning its year-end dinner, and the person you’d most like to tell about it isn’t here.

This article is for you. It’s also for anyone reading because someone they love is grieving and they don’t know what to say. There’s a section for you near the end.

You’re far from the only one. Malaysia recorded 198,992 deaths in 2024, according to the Department of Statistics Malaysia, the New Straits Times reported. That’s more than 500 families a day. Every one of them goes into a season of lights and celebration with someone missing.

Quick answer: The Bible never asks you to be cheerful at Christmas. Jesus himself wept at a friend’s grave (John 11:35). And the Christmas story is about God coming close to a world that hurts: “they will call him Immanuel (which means ‘God with us’)” (Matthew 1:23). You can grieve and still hold on to hope.

Below, we’ll look at whether it’s okay to grieve at Christmas, what Scripture says about grief, and the sorrow that’s already inside the Christmas story. Then there are some verses to hold on to, a few practical ways to get through the season, and a word for those walking alongside someone who’s hurting.

Is it okay to grieve at Christmas?

Yes. It isn’t a lack of faith, and you don’t need to put on a brave face at church. The Bible makes plenty of room for sorrow.

The writer of Ecclesiastes says there is “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). The calendar might say it’s time to celebrate. Your heart might say it’s time to mourn. God isn’t asking you to pick the calendar.

Look at Jesus at the tomb of his friend Lazarus. He knew he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead. He still stood with Mary and Martha, saw them crying, and “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). In most English Bibles it’s the shortest verse of all, and one of the kindest. Even with the answer in his hands, Jesus didn’t rush past the grief.

Paul wrote to new Christians in Thessalonica who had lost people they loved. He didn’t tell them not to grieve. He said, “we do not want you to… grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Christians still grieve. We just grieve with hope. Both are true at the same time.

What does the Bible say about grief?

The Bible doesn’t hide grief or tidy it up. Around a third of the psalms are laments, honest prayers from people who were hurting and said so.

“How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” (Psalm 13:1). David prayed that. It sounds almost rude. But it’s in the Bible, which tells you God would rather hear your honest questions than your silence. By the end of the same short psalm, David is saying, “I trust in your unfailing love.” He didn’t get there by pretending. He got there by praying through it.

Jesus also made a promise to people who grieve: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). Notice he doesn’t say “blessed are those who’ve stopped mourning”. The comfort is for people who are still in it.

And the Bible ends with grief undone. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain” (Revelation 21:4). That’s where the whole story is heading. For you, that means your tears this December aren’t the last word. God has already written the last word, and it’s comfort.

Where is grief in the Christmas story?

We usually tell the Christmas story as a happy one: shepherds, angels, a baby in a manger. It is joyful. But read it slowly and you’ll find grief sort of hidden right inside it.

Soon after Jesus was born, King Herod ordered the killing of the baby boys in Bethlehem. 

Matthew quotes the prophet Jeremiah: “A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more” (Matthew 2:16-18). Those mothers had their first Christmas too, and it was the worst week of their lives. The Bible doesn’t skip their story.

When Mary and Joseph brought baby Jesus to the temple, an old man named Simeon held him and blessed him. Then he turned to Mary and said, “a sword will pierce your own soul too” (Luke 2:34-35). From the very beginning, Mary knew that loving this child would one day break her heart.

So Christmas was never only for people having a good year. Isaiah described the people Jesus would come for: “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned” (Isaiah 9:2). The light came because the darkness was real. If this December feels dark, you’re exactly the kind of person the first Christmas was for. We’ve written more about what “God with us” means at Christmas.

Bible verses for when you’re grieving at Christmas

You don’t need to read all of these. Pick one, write it on a card, and keep it in your pocket for the hard days. These are some of the most-loved Bible verses about losing a loved one.

• “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). Healing is something God does, slowly, like a wound that’s been bandaged. It isn’t something you have to manage on your own.
• “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me” (Psalm 23:4). David says “through”, not “around”. There’s no shortcut past grief, but you don’t walk it alone.
• “The God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). Paul wrote this after a season so hard he thought he might die. He found comfort in God, and later found he could pass it on to others.
• “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms” (John 14:1-2). Jesus said this to his friends the night before he died, when they were about to lose him.
• “Neither death nor life… will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39). Death takes a lot from us. It can’t take God’s love.
• “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). This one is for the people around you. God never meant you to grieve without company.

If you’d like more, we’ve also gathered Bible verses about hope in hard times.

How do I get through Christmas while grieving?

There’s no right way to do this season, especially if it’s your first Christmas without your mum, your dad, your husband, your wife or your child. These are a few things that have helped other people. Take what’s useful and leave the rest.

1. Decide what to keep and what to skip. You don’t have to go to every gathering or keep every tradition this year. It’s okay to say, “I’ll come for lunch, but I’ll leave before the games.” It’s also okay to change things completely.
2. Make room for the person you miss. Some families light a candle at the table, cook the dish that person always made, or share one story about them before the meal. Saying their name out loud can hurt and help at the same time.
3. Tell people what you need. Most people want to help but are scared of saying the wrong thing. A simple message can save a lot of awkwardness: “I’d love to see you. Please don’t be afraid to talk about her.”
4. Plan for the hard moments. A certain song, an empty seat, the drive home afterwards. Decide ahead of time who you’ll message or where you’ll step out to.
5. Bring it to God honestly. Try writing your own Psalm 13. “How long, Lord?” is a real prayer. So is “I don’t know how to do this.”
6. Look after your body. Grief is exhausting. Sleep when you can, eat something even when you’re not hungry, and get outside for a walk.
7. Come to church, even if you sit at the back. You’re welcome to slip in late and leave early. Nobody will ask you to sing if you can’t.

Grief at Christmas can also feel very lonely, even in a full room. We’ve written about what the Bible says about loneliness, and why you were never meant to carry life alone.

How can I help someone who’s grieving at Christmas?

Now for the other side of the coin. Maybe it isn’t you who’s grieving. Maybe it’s a friend, a colleague or someone in your family, and you’re scared of making it worse.

Nancy Guthrie, who lost two of her own children as babies, wrote a book called What Grieving People Wish You Knew after asking hundreds of grieving people what had helped and what had hurt. One of her main lessons is simple: it matters less what you say than that you say something. Even “I don’t know what to say” is better than saying nothing at all.

Here are a few ways to show up this December:

• Say their name. Grieving people often worry that everyone else has forgotten. Sharing a memory, “I was thinking about your dad’s laugh today”, is a gift.
• Invite them, and make it easy to say no. “We’d love you to come on Christmas Day. No pressure, and you can leave whenever you like.”
• Do something practical. Drop off food, offer to drive, help wrap presents for the kids.
• Don’t rush them. Avoid lines like “they’re in a better place” or “everything happens for a reason”. Even when they’re meant kindly, they can sting.
• Keep showing up in January. The cards and visits stop after the funeral and the holidays. The grief doesn’t.

When grief feels too heavy

Sometimes grief becomes more than sadness. If you’re finding it hard to get out of bed for weeks, to eat or to work, or if you’ve had any thoughts about not wanting to be here, please don’t wait until after Christmas to tell someone.

Befrienders KL is on 03-7627 2929, 24 hours a day, including on Christmas Day. The Ministry of Health’s Talian HEAL is 15555, from 8am to midnight. Talking to a doctor or a counsellor isn’t a failure of faith. We’ve written about faith and mental health, and why they were never opposites.

Frequently Asked Questions

The light came into the dark

Go back to Bethlehem for a moment. The first Christmas had a manger and angels, and it also had mothers weeping in the streets. God didn’t wait for the world to cheer up before he came. He came into the middle of it, as a baby, and he grew up to weep at a grave himself.

That’s the hope for anyone grieving at Christmas. Not that the ache disappears on 25 December, but that God is with you in it. Immanuel. God with us, at the table, beside the empty chair.

So here’s one small step. Pick one verse from this article and put it somewhere you’ll see it on Christmas morning.

And if you’re grieving this Christmas and it feels like too much to carry alone, that is actually the point. There is an authentic community in Sentul, KL for you. Young Adults is where young adults at NCC find each other, and our Connect Groups are smaller circles where people walk through real life together. Questions welcome. If you’re nearby, we’d love to meet you this Sunday at NCC, Sentul.